Books

How I make the most of my Public library for audiobooks

Another book/audiobook post. That’s what’s on my mind, so that’s what I’m posting.

After a couple years of not much reading or listening to audiobooks, I got back into it about 5 months ago. I mostly listen to audiobooks, because I can listen while doing other things, which is easier than making the time to sit and physically read. And I especially have a lot of time available to listen while running.

All 59 of the audiobooks and the one ebook I’ve finished since August, as of yesterday, have been from my local public library. Ebooks can be read on Kindle, Kindle app, or the Overdrive and Libby apps (same company). Audiobooks can be listened to through the Overdrive or Libby.

I average about 3 days to listen to an audiobook. Below is how I manage my loans, holds, and wish list, so I always have something to listen to.

Borrow Multiple at a Time

A lot of the audiobooks I want to listen to have waitlists, including several series. I try to have at least 3-4 borrowed at a time. The library loans audiobooks and ebooks for 21 days at a time.

Audiobooks can’t be renewed. I don’t remember if ebooks can. I also try to have no more than 6 out at a time, even though they allow 20 at once. I’ve had 6 or more a couple times, and I got close to the 21 day limit on the more recently borrowed ones. I don’t want to go back to the end of the wait list.

Holds/Waitlist and Timing

To keep new audiobooks coming, I try to have about 10 on hold at a time, and I use auto-borrow. The library allows 20, but I’ve found that if I have more than about 10, they start to pile up on me. I also try to spread out the estimated wait times.

I’ll put the next book in a series on hold either when I have one borrowed, or if one is estimated to be available soon, and the next has a longer wait time. I still end up waiting multiple weeks between books in some popular series.

My library, or maybe the app I use, allows suspending holds, which I did once. I think I had 6 or 7 audiobooks out, and the wait time for about 5 more was down to 2 weeks or less. I just wasn’t going to finish the ones I had in time to also get to the ones on hold that were going to get auto-borrowed in the alotted 21 days. So the people behind me on those waitlists got to borrow them a little early.

Build a Long Wish List

The wish list is great for organizing books/audiobooks I want to read. I have over 100 audiobooks on my wish list. Some have waitlists. Others are currently available to borrow. This way, I have a list of books I know I’m interested in that I can put on hold or just borrow without having to search. It also helps me keep track of all the different series I’m working through. And I don’t have to remember how many are left.

Every so often, I’ll add more to my waitlist. Mostly, I see them mentioned somewhere and they seem interesting. I’ve looked up best books lists in whatever genre or about whatever topic I’m interested in. I’ll look into the ones that I think might be interesting to see what they’re about and check ratings, usually on GoodReads.com. Those lists are a decent way to build up a wish list quickly.

As an example, I’m have another 3 weeks of a formerly 11 week wait time for Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, I have 4 books borrowed to listen to, and another 10 on hold, including a 10 week wait for the 2nd Hitchhiker’s book, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. The other 3 in the series are in my wish list.

My Current Loans and Holds

Loans (days until expiration):

  • Wizard and Glass, by Stephen King. The Dark Tower book 4. (13 days)
  • Abaddon’s Gate, by James S. A. Corey. The Expanse book 3. (15 days)
  • Anatomy of a Song, by Marc Myers. (18 days)
  • How to Make It in the Music Business, by Ari Herstand. (21 days)

Holds (estimated wait time):

  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, book 1. (3 weeks)
  • The Dark Forest, by Cixin Liu. Three Body Trilogy, book 2. (2 weeks)
  • The Fifth Season, by N. K. Jemisin. The Broken Earth, book 1. (3 weeks)
  • Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, by Haruki Murakami. (2 weeks)
  • Wolves of the Calla, by Stephen King. The Dark Tower, book 5. (4 weeks)
  • Foundation and Earth, by Isaac Asimov. Foundation Series, book 7 chronological order, 5 publication order. (2 weeks)
  • Oryx and Crake, by Margaret Atwood. MaddAddam Trilogy, book 1. (4 weeks)
  • Cibola Burns, by James S. A. Corey. The Expanse, book 4. (6 weeks)
  • Space Opera, by Catherynne M. Valente. (8 weeks)
  • The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, by Douglas Adams. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, book 2. (10 weeks)
  • Death’s End, by Cixin Liu. Three Body Trilogy, book 3. (6 weeks)
Books

2019 Readings

I’m hoping this will be my first post back to at least semi-regularly posting again.

Anyway, here are the audiobooks and book I read in 2019. I had gotten out of the habit of reading for a long time. In August, I decided to get back to it.

I mostly listen to audiobooks while running, cooking, cleaning, working, etc. I’ve also switched to mostly fiction from mostly non-fiction in the past. I finished 46 audiobooks, only 4 were non-fiction.

I borrow most audiobooks from my local library through the Overdrive app. I think they have a new version called Libby.

The one ebook I finished was also through the library. I read some of it on my Kindle and some with the Kindle app on my phone. The sync feature across devices is great.

I also started reading several physical books that I plan to finish eventually.

Most of these reviews were written well after reading the books. I’d hardly call some of them reviews, more like short thoughts.

All links are to the books’ respective goodreads.com pages. No affiliate links, but I think goodreads has affiliate links on their pages.

Audio books

1) Bazaar of Bad Dreams, by Stephen King. 8/25/19

I borrowed this audiobook through the local library system. It’s a collection of short stories. I’ve been thinking about writing again. I’ve watched several videos on YouTube of Stephen King talking about writing, his books and conversations with other writers. I don’t remember the last time I wrote any fiction, other than song lyrics. I have many lists of story ideas. Starting right in with a novel is really intimidating. I thought I’d check out some short stories to see if I might want to give a short story a try. I also haven’t read any Stephen King in years, The Shining, back in like 1999 or so. And I think that’s actually the only Stephen King I’ve ever read. I didn’t particularly care for it. This was much better.

My rating: 3.8/5

2) Stardust, by Neil Gaiman. 8/26/19

This was my introduction to Neil Gaiman’s writing. I’d heard a lot about his work. I finally decided to check some out based on how he interacts with people on Twitter. He seems like a genuinely decent and kind person. And I think it shows in his writing and storytelling.

My rating: 4/5

3) Kafka on the Shore, by Haruki Murakami. 8/29/19

I haven’t read any Murakami before. This was one of a few available in audiobook format on the Overdrive app through my local library. It started pretty slow. It definitely got better, but I don’t think I’d recommend it to anyone.

My rating: 3/5

4) The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, by Haruki Murakami. 9/4/19

This was kind of slow to start too. I liked it much better than Kafka on the Shore.

My rating: 3.7/5

5) When the Sleeper Wakes, by H.G. Wells. 9/6/19

I don’t think I’d read any Wells before. It’s over 100 years old, so the language is dated. I enjoyed the story for the most part. It’s interesting to see Wells’s imagining of the future.

My rating: 3.2/5

6) Fragile Things, by Neil Gaiman. 9/8/19

Some great stories and some not as memorable. I think it’s worth a read, especially if you’re a Neil Gaiman fan.

My rating: 3.2/5

7) I, Robot, by Isaac Asimov. 9/10/19

I listened to this because I had already listened to the rest of Asimov’s Robot series.

As I’m finding with most of the short story collections I’ve read, some stories are better than others.

My rating: 3.1/5

8) Anansi Boys, by Neil Gaiman. 9/14/19

This was probably my favorite Gaiman I’ve read so far. The characters are believable. I liked the mix of fantasy and elements of mythology. It wasn’t just retelling of myths. It used elements and mythical characters in telling the story, and as far as I know stayed relatively true to the traditional characterizations.

My rating: 4.3/5

9) The Lawnmower Man: and Other Stories from Night Shift, by Stephen King. 9/15/19

I was already familiar with most of these stories from their film adaptations. If you like Stephen King, it’s worth reading, whether you’ve seen the movies or not.

My rating: 3.4/5

10) Pastoralia, by George Saunders. 9/16/19

Saunders’s writing is great. I wasn’t that into some of the stories.

My rating: 3.3/5

11) Stories of Your Life and Others, by Ted Chiang. 9/20/19

A couple of the stories were excellent. The others were ok.

My rating: 3.2/5

12) The Gunslinger, by Stephen King. 9/25/19

I liked this one a lot. And unless the books take a drastic turn for the worse, I’m probably hooked on the series.

My rating: 4.4/5

13) The Writing Life, by Annie Dillard. 9/27/19

I don’t understand all the high ratings of this book on Good Reads. It felt very disjointed and choppy, sort of like a collection of blog posts. It seemed to me like she didn’t even follow some of her own advice in writing this book.

My rating: 2.3/5

14) The Drawing of the Three, The Dark Tower Series, Book 2, by Stephen King. 10/4/19

Another one to keep me hooked on the series.

My rating: 4.3/5

15) Norse Mythology, by Neil Gaiman. 10/9/19

Gaiman writes well and is engaging, but I realized I’m not that interested in retellings of traditional mythology. If you do like that sort of thing, I’d definitely recommend this book.

My rating: 3.2/5

16) Down and Out in Paris and London, by George Orwell. 10/11/19

There are better George Orwell books. It’s good period fiction, but I found the story is pretty depressing.

My rating: 3.3/5

17) What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, by Haruki Murakami. 10/15/19

I love running. I like Murakami’s writing. So it was probably a good bet that I’d like this book. And I do.

My rating: 4.3/5

18) What We Talk About When We Talk About Love, by Raymond Carver. 10/17/19

Unlike some short story collections, it was easy to see the common theme in these stories. It would be apparent even without knowing the title of the collection. I like Carver’s storytelling and style. Love stories can easily slip into cliche or common tropes, but these stories feel like they could have come from interviews of people recalling their own lives.

My rating: 4.2/5

19) Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway. 10/19/19

I’m not sure I’d ever read any Hemingway before. I have mixed feelings about this one. War isn’t all patriotism and victories. Some of the brutal realities depicted got to me a bit, based on my own experiences in Iraq.

Popular books and authors don’t always live up to the hype for me, but Hemingway’s writing does.

My rating: 4/5

20) Stranger in a Strange Land, by Robert A. Heinlein. 10/27/19

This was too long for me, not so much for the number of pages or words. But it felt like it should have been at least two separate books.

My rating: 3/5

21) Altered Carbon, by Richard K. Morgan. 11/1/2019

Some of the violence was a bit graphic for me. But it wasn’t gratuitous. It’s a good scifi detective story, with a semi-bad guy turned semi-hero. I’ll continue this series sometime. There are just so many books to get to.

My rating: 4.1/5

22) 2061, by Arthur C. Clarke. 11/2/2019

If you liked 2001 and 2010, you’ll probably like 2061. It’s not as unique as the first, but I liked it. It’s a good continuation of the story. And I like how a decent amount of time has passed after the first two.

My rating: 4.1/5

23) Leviathan Wakes, by James S. A. Corey. 11/6/2019

The Expanse TV series is based on this series of books. I tried watching a couple episodes a while back, and I didn’t really care for it. As is often the case, the book is much better.

It’s a Space Opera, a detective story, a war story, political commentary, and more. Like The Gunslinger hooked me on Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, this has me hooked on The Expanse series.

My rating: 4.2/5

24) On Writing, by Stephen King. 11/8/19

It’s one of the better writer’s memoirs about writing, but I thought it was a little dry. I enjoyed the more narrative parts a lot.

My rating: 3.3/5

25) A Wild Sheep Chase, by Haruki Murakami. 11/11/19

I’m not sure what to say about this one. It’s good, on the better end of the scale of Murakami books.

My rating: 4/5

26) The Waste Lands: The Dark Tower Series, Book 3, by Stephen King. 11/15/19

King keeps me coming back for more. The continued world building from book to book, character development, and building on the story without making it seem like there are giant holes to be filled in later stories all showcase King’s talent as a writer and storyteller. Things that are introduced in each new book just fit.

My rating: 4.3/5

27) Men Without Women, by Haruki Murakami. 11/17/19

I’ve noticed that I tend to not like short story collections as much as an author’s novels. I think it’s sort of like with albums. Even an otherwise amazing album sometimes has some subpar songs. And sometimes there’s an amazing song on a mediocre album.

I also didn’t really identify very much with many of the characters in the stories.

My rating: 3/5

28) 3001: The Final Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke. 11/18/19

Again, if you like the other books in the Space Odyssey series, you might like this one. And I really like that almost 1000 years has passed from the previous book. It gives Clarke a chance to show us his view of the relatively distant future and some of the things we might be able to accomplish if we work together for them.

My rating: 4/5

29) Pebble in the Sky, by Isaac Asimov. 11/20/19

This is in Asimov’s Galactic Empire series, but it feels different and somewhat set apart from the rest.

Man out of time, distant future, political struggle.

My rating: 3.8/5

30) Exhalation, by Ted Chiang. 11/21/19

This was supposed to be a great short story collection. Some of the stories lived up to the hype. Others didn’t quite make it for me. It’s worth the read or listen, though.

My rating: 3.3/5

31) The Stars Are Legion, by Kameron Hurley. 11/23/19

This felt like the TV show Lexx crossed with a book that I can’t remember at the moment. Early on, I almost stopped it. It got a little better, but I’m not sure I’d recommend it. Some of the ideas were interesting, living world ships, all female civilizations, strange births. But the execution didn’t really do it for me.

My rating: 2.5/5

32) Norwegian Wood, by Haruki Murakami. 11/26/19

This is sort of a coming of age story where some of the characters don’t make it. As a kid I always thought there would be some point, or sort of a process where eventually, I’d be an adult, feel grown up, and know what I’m doing. But that doesn’t happen. Adults aren’t really any smarter or more responsible, and they’re just feeling their way through about as much as when they were younger. They have more experience. But experiences don’t always result in learning any big lessons.

In this way, Norwegian Wood is a more realistic coming of age story to me. Life is messy, people don’t always learn from experience, or if they do, it’s not always significant or life changing. And sometimes experiences can leave you more uncertain than before.

My rating: 3.5/5

33) The Dispossessed, by Ursula K. Le Guin. 11/28/19

My first exposure to Ursula K. Le Guin. It was a good one, and left me wanting more.

The story is pretty good. The political philosophy is great.

Two worlds, political-economic power struggle between the two, scientist trying to spread knowledge, etc.

My rating: 4.1/5

34) Forward the Foundation, by Isaac Asimov. 12/2/19

Good, not great. I’m not sure if I made the right choice to read these in chronological order instead of published order. In any case, I’ll keep going with the series. And if you like Asimov and/or the Foundation series, it’s worth it.

My rating: 3.5/5

35) Red Mars, by Kim Stanley Robinson. 12/8/19

KSR’s world building is excellent. Her character development is good. The flow of the book is a little choppy. The audiobook is over 27 hours long, and the print book is 572 pages. I listen to audiobooks at 2x speed. It still felt long.

My rating: 3.6/5

36) Time’s Eye, by Arthur C. Clarke and Stephen Baxter. 12/11/19

I really liked the idea of spacetime being cut up and put back together. The story is a little disjointed. I guess that’s not entirely unexpected. I liked it enough to continue the series.

My rating: 3.4/5

37) Rocannon’s World, by Ursula K. Le Guin. 12/12/19

This is sort of a mix of scifi and fantasy. I thought I’d listen to Le Guin’s whole Hainish Cycle series. Apparently, they’re basically all stand alone novels, just in the same universe. This one was OK.

Stranded guy on an alien world adventures around to different clans on the planet. And strange animals.

My rating: 3.2/5

38) The Integral Trees, by Larry Niven. 12/13/19

I know I at least started this one before, but I don’t think I finished it then. I liked the first book in The State series, so I thought I’d try this one. The first was better. If I didn’t know they were in the same series, I wouldn’t have guessed it after

A strange sort of planetary nebula with “trees” growing in it. People live on the trees in tribes. Other people come to basically enslave them.

I found the first half kind of boring. The enjoyed the second half.

My rating: 3.3/5

39) Words Are My Matter, by Ursula K. Le Guin. 12/15/19

A collection of previous writings, book reviews, and talks by Ursula K. Le Guin about writing. I think it was edited for book form, rather than just slapping them all together. Some of them were a little dry. I enjoyed her personal stories a lot.

My rating: 3.5/5

40) The Three-Body Problem, by Liu Cixin. 12/16/19

Advanced extra-solar intelligent life, seemingly weird physics, political oppression, a secret rebel group, and good character development. The story covers spans a good chunk of a human lifetime, and Cixin ties the story together well.

I really liked this one. And I was happy to learn it’s the first book of a trilogy.

My rating: 4.4/5

41) Caliban’s War, by James S. A. Corey. 12/20/19

I liked this one a little better than the Leviathan Wakes. I thought there was a little less despair in this one. I’m looking forward to where the story goes over the series.

My rating: 4.3/5

42) Sunstorm, by Arthur C. Clarke and Stephen Baxter. 12/22/19

An advanced alien civilization calculated and carried out an attack over millennia. The people of earth largely come together to overcome the situation.

There are some cool, theoretical, maybe possible scifi ideas.

My rating: 3.6/5

43) Foundation, by Isaac Asimov. 12/24/19

I like the Foundation series. I liked this one better than some of the others I’ve read so far.

4.1/5

44) The Ringworld Throne, by Larry Niven. 12/28/19

Apparently, a lot of people didn’t like this book. For some of the same reasons, I think it would have been better if it were about half as long. Mostly, it’s all the interspecies sex. At least it’s not graphic.

My rating: 3.2/5

45) The Stars, Like Dust, by Isaac Asimov. 12/29/19

I was pretty sure I had listened to this before, but I couldn’t remember what happened. As I listened, most of it was vaguely familiar, but I still didn’t remember how it went. The only thing I really remembered was the very end, but not until I got there.

Regardless, I enjoyed it.

My rating: 4/5

46) Foundation and Empire, by Isaac Asimov. 12/31/19

I didn’t like this one as much as the others in the Foundation series I’ve read so far. The time jumps made for a distinct lack of continuity. It was enough that each part might have been worth making separate books.

The jumps in Foundation felt more connected.

Definitely worth reading if your into Asimov and the Foundation series.

My rating: 3.3/5

Book

1) On Writing, by Charles Bukowski. 9/25/19. ebook

Collected letters by Bukowski. Some of his thoughts on writing, publishing, and a peak into his life and view of the world.

My rating: 3.7/5

I’m aiming for 100 books/audiobooks for 2020. Two weeks in and I’m well ahead of pace.

Uncategorized

Update Summary

It’s been a while. So here’s an update summary of the past couple years.

Early spring 2016, I was training for a spring 50 mile race. I ran back to back 18 milers one weekend. I cutback mileage the following week to recover before peaking prior to the race. A couple days into the week, I had some hip pain. I tried to run again the following day, but had to cut it short and headed home.

I had some similar pain in my lower back several months before that got better after some rest. I tried taking a week or two off of running, but my hip was just getting worse.

I saw a doctor and got x-rays. The doctor said she thought I had some arthritis in my hip, which didn’t make sense to me, as the pain wasn’t in the joint, it was the outer part of my right greater trochanter.

I saw another doctor, then had a couple MRIs. There were dark spots all over. I had more tests, PET/CT, bone marrow biopsy, liver biopsy, lumbar puncture for a spinal fluid test and more. The bone marrow biopsy and liver biopsy were super painful.

The liver biopsy was the first test result back. It was cancer. Surprisingly, and thankfully, it was not liver or colon cancer, like we had feared because of my history of PSC (auto-immune disorder in the bile ducts) and ulcerative colitis. I had stage IV diffuse large b-cell lymphoma, a type of non-Hodgkins lymphoma. It’s a very fast growing blood cancer, and it had spread throughout my abdomen, including my liver and lungs, and my bones. The bone pain was excruciating, getting worse and starting in my other hip too.

I started chemotherapy several days after my diagnosis. My first treatment was done inpatient, so they could monitor my reaction. My treatment involved infusion of several chemo drugs through a PICC line, and intrathecal Methotrexate (injected into my spinal fluid via lumbar puncture).

In under 3 months, I went from near peak 50 mile training to barely able to walk from the severe pain, or do much of anything else either. I was on max dose oxycodone, and it didn’t last long enough to get to the next dose. I also dropped from 167 lbs to 134 lbs (I’m 6’2”) the day I went home after my first chemo treatment. I’ve always been slender, but I hadn’t been that light since sometime in high school, almost 20 years prior.

I had 6 rounds of chemo, 3 weeks between each. The first round hit me hard. While the cancer was very fast growing, it also died very quickly. So the dead cells flooded my system. They also had trouble with the first lumbar puncture treatment, which resulted in leaking spinal fluid. It’s not uncommon, and not that dangerous, but it caused severe migraine like headaches and nausea.

My pain meds were switched to a long acting morphine when I was in the hospital for my first treatment. It worked a lot better than the oxycodone, and the side effects weren’t as bad.

The plus side to the first treatment being so effective against the cancer was that my pain started to diminish pretty quickly too. The reduction in pain and increased ease of movement were dramatic. Because of the morphine, though, I’m not sure how much of the immediate pain reduction was the chemo or the morphine. I started to ween off the pain meds after the second round of chemo, and the pain was gone.

My hair started falling out shortly after the first round, even my eyebrows and eyelashes. It’s amazing how much stuff they both keep out of our eyes. I will never take them for granted again.

After the first round, I tolerated the treatments better as it went on. After the 4th round of chemo, I had another PET/CT scan to check progress. Pretty much all of the sites of probable cancer activity had resolved. And every scan since then has showed no unusual activity.

I even gained weight over the course of my chemo treatment. Shortly after my final treatment, I was actually the heaviest I’d ever been at 188 lbs, gaining over 50 lbs in about 4 months.

As tough as it was and as hard as it was emotionally, I tried to surround myself with positivity and do everything I could to maintain a positive outlook. I told my doctors that I didn’t want to know my prognosis. I didn’t want to know my chances of recovering. I wanted to focus on the recovery, and not let even the smallest doubt creep in that I wouldn’t get better. I don’t care whether it’s placebo effect or not, patients who expect to get better, tend to have better outcomes. And I’ve heard and read enough stories of people giving up when faced with the odds of not getting better. They accept the odds as inevitable and sometimes even get worse right on schedule.

I had my moments of doubt, fear, depression, sadness and more, but I put in the work to get through them.

I couldn’t have gotten through it without my family. They went to appointments with me, drove hours to take me to appointments and treatments, stayed with me at my worst, listened and talked, and helped with many other things.

And I feel great now.

Fast forward a bit.

My only running goal starting out for 2017 was to run 37 miles for my 37th birthday, and I did 38+. My route was a little long. I ended up with yearly mileage and vertical gain personal bests. I got into the mountains for more big runs than I had before, pushing my comfort zone with navigation, route finding and some scrambling. I tagged 21 different peaks as well.

I tried to train for a fast flat 50k race in the early spring 2018, but I ended up having to pull out due to some adductor problems. But the speedwork I did has me setting PRs on a bunch of different routes and Strava segments.

I’ve hit 1500 miles for the year faster than ever before, and I’ve had some big vert weeks, including my biggest ever at 33k ft.

I ran the Issy Alps 50k route (not a race) on my birthday, 32 miles and 13k ft vert, plus a bit over 5 miles between my car and the trailheads at the start and finish, and a little extra distance missing a turn on the route. I did about 38 miles for my 37th birthday.

I set a goal of 50 different peaks for the year. I’m at 9 currently. But I’m going out for a huge week coming up, planning to tag more than 20 peaks over 5 days, which should also be over 100 miles and over 40k ft vert.

I have more big personal running projects planned for this year, and more progressing over the next 2-5 years too.

I also organized and hosted my first trail race in March, the Wallace Falls Trail Run with half marathon, 22.4 mile, and 50 km distances. It was tough to put together, but far exceeded my expectations, largely thanks to my friends helping out. We ended up raising over $3000 for Snohomish County Volunteer Search and Rescue, whose Tracker Team come out for emergency support. I’m planning on making it an annual event. I’m also working on a number of other races for the next couple years. I’m hoping for at least one more in 2018, then adding several more in 2019, and more in 2020.

Becoming, Goals, Learning, Personal Development, Philosophy

Gifts Make Me Uncomfortable

My birthday was a little less than a week ago. I figure it’s a good time to talk about gifts. We give gifts for various occasions and no particular occasion at all.

I enjoy giving gifts. Seeing the joy and appreciation on a family member or friends face is fantastic. Giving anonymously feels good too, though, even when you’ll never know whether it was even appreciated.

So, given that I enjoy giving gifts, it’s odd how uncomfortable I am with receiving gifts. I know that the person giving me the gift likely gets the same kind of pleasure I do from the act of giving, but it doesn’t make it easier for me to accept gifts. And I’m not talking about any particular gift or any particular gift giver. It’s pretty consistent for most gifts.

I don’t know when it started or what did it. But nearly every time someone gives me something outside of an exchange, it makes me uncomfortable.

I know gift giving isn’t usually reciprocal, at least not on the occasions I have in mind. On my birthday, in this culture and my family traditions, I’m not expected to give gifts to guests. I receive birthday presents. But even on Christmas when it is usually expected to be a gift exchange, I’m uncomfortable receiving.

I can’t really explain the exact feelings. Sometimes I feel a little guilty when receiving a gift. Sometimes it’s because I feel like I should reciprocate, even when the occasion doesn’t call for it.

And sometimes it’s not so much guilt. I actually feel indebted. I know there’s no expectation in most of the cases. I still feel like I owe them some sort of debt. Sometimes even on Christmas when I have reciprocated, regardless of comparative monetary values.

It also makes me feel a little like the way I feel about asking for help. I don’t like to ask for help, even though I like helping people, and I know other people feel the same way about helping me. But I’m working on becoming better at asking for and accepting help.

I read a book on gratitude last year that was sort of an academic look at the history of gratitude in different cultures throughout history. In some cultures, gifts have been used to put another into your debt. Gifts have been used to signify power structures as well, with gifts flowing in either direction. And in other cultures gifts nearly always require reciprocation.

So perhaps it’s partially an inborn trait. Or if you accept the idea of genetic memory, maybe that explains at least some of it.

I just know that gifts have made me uncomfortable for a long time. But like I’ve been doing with asking for and accepting help, I’ve also been working on my feelings about accepting gifts.

They’re related too. Giving help is one kind of gift, and it’s given without expectations, beyond maybe gratitude. So as I get better at accepting help, I think I’ll get better at accepting gifts as well.

Action, Goals, Personal Development, Practice

Positive Thinking and Positive Self-Talk

I got into positive thinking and positive self-talk a few years ago. I find them useful. Contrary to what some people say, it’s not about lying to yourself. It’s not about believing the impossible. Everything isn’t always great. Positive thinking is about seeing opportunities in obstacles, and finding lessons in hardships. Yes, it’s about looking on the bright side. Accept the negative and move forward while keeping a positive mindset, but to get results beyond that, you have to take action as well.

Positive self-talk is a way to support yourself in your pursuit of becoming more. More doesn’t have to be faster, bigger, stronger, thinner, or wealthier. It can be as simple as being happier, accomplishing a specific task or goal, or just being more grateful for what you already are and have.

Positive self-talk is another tool to use when things get difficult, you feel down, or things aren’t going how you want. It’s accepting what is, while acknowledging that the situation is temporary, and you have the strength to outlast it until things improve or create improvement.

Acceptance alone isn’t enough for me. I like to remind myself that I’m capable of great things and often add visualization to my positive self-talk.

I have a number of statements that I use in different situations. I call them affirmations, but they could also be mantras, chants, oaths, testimonies, prayers, or whatever you want. Sometimes it’s just about having something to focus on to make positive changes to my mindset.

There was a period of time when I was convinced that I was not going to live much past my 40s, maybe 50s, that I would become sick, miserable and die. Then it started to happen. I was already miserable, which certainly didn’t help my outlook on the future. I started to get quite sick, and I was getting worse.

When I decided that being sick wasn’t part of who I am and being healthy was, I started to see opportunities to support my health and began taking action. I started changing food habits, running and taking responsibility for my own health. Doctors told me it didn’t matter what I ate, but I noticed symptoms got much worse after eating fatty foods, especially when I was dehydrated. I learned more, became more self-aware about my body and its reactions to different things and made further changes.

The positive changes in my mindset and the actions I took built on one another to nearly eliminate my previous symptoms, stop all the medications I was taking, getting into the best shape of my life, and have a much better outlook for my future.

I’ve said it before, but I hated running when I was in the Army. A couple years after I got out, I started running again. I got injured a lot over the first few years, didn’t think I’d ever be very fast and really just had a limited view of what my running potential.

When I started telling myself that I was fast, strong and a good runner, believing it, and learning more from others and what’s worked for myself, my training started going better, injuries decreased, motivation improved. I’ve even expanded my running self-image since then. I exceeded my increased expectations a couple times too.

When I’m out running and it starts getting tough, whether I’m having trouble concentrating, I keep tripping, I feel some imbalance or twinge, I get stiff, sore, tired, or I just hit a low patch, I came up with an affirmation that brings my focus back to my body, running form, foot placement, breath and the to moment in general. “I’m strong, fast, flexible, efficient and sure footed. I’m built for long-distance running over uneven terrain.” If I’m feeling tense somewhere and having trouble releasing it, I’ll add “relaxed” after “efficient”. It works great for me. My concentration improves, I relax, and start to feel lighter on my feet. It doesn’t suddenly give me a boost of energy or make me faster. My mind comes back to the current task of running.

It’s sort of like trying to read a book and watch TV at the same time. If you focus solely on the book, you won’t catch much of what’s happening on the TV. If you let too much of the TV take over your focus, you’ll have trouble reading. My running affirmation focuses me and reminds me that I’m capable of more. Whatever the current difficulty, I can get through it.

Positive thinking and positive self-talk are both great tools for increasing your vision of your potential. But on their own, the best you can hope for is an improved mood. To actually get results with them, you have to take action.

A Wandering & Wondering Life